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Unhappy married couple on verge of divorce due to impotence and jealousy

Steps to Take Before Divorce

Steps to Take Before Divorce

If there is one thing that almost everyone can agree on, it’s that human relationships are complicated. If only we could live in a fairytale, where after we marry someone, we can ride off into the sunset together. But the truth,  is a lot of people get divorced for many different reasons. These reasons can be deeply personal or glaringly obvious, but in the end, it is the couple’s choice. But in some cases how do you know if getting a divorce will solve your problems? There are steps you can take before signing the divorce papers that might save your marriage or will help you solidify the decision to end it.

Identify Problems to Find Solutions

Sit down and write down all the frustrations you have about your spouse. They can be as petty or as deep as you want them to be, just take some time out of your day to gather your thoughts. If you immediately take them to your spouse, chances are going to cause more harm than good.  So journal your thoughts and feelings and ruminate on them for a couple of days. Thinking through some of your problems and researching the solutions can be a helpful start to fixing your marriage. Maybe the cracks in your marriage were not as big as you thought, but you won’t know until you have a clear idea of what is going wrong.

Couples Counseling

I know it is cliche, but it works. Just like having a mediator in a divorce case can help you navigate through your problems, being able to talk to a trained professional will be very beneficial to both you and your spouse, especially if every conversation leads to a fight. The catch with couples therapy is that you have to be willing to put in the work that is assigned to you, not to just show up and say that you tried. It can be very difficult to open up to a stranger, but choosing a professionally licensed therapist with lots of experience will give you the tools you need to have a healthier, happier life. But going to therapy is not always about saving your marriage, sometimes it will help you see that you don’t want to be married anymore and that can be the better option.

 

 

Relationship psychologist mediating young marriage thinking about divorce

 

Taking a Moment

This can mean a couple of different things. Maybe take a moment for yourself to get away from the stress, or you can take a moment together and see if you can work out your problems in a different environment. Probably the last thing you want to do is go on a romantic getaway with your spouse, but if it will help you rekindle the spark that you once felt for each other, it will be worth it. It does not have to be anything fancy, it can even be a staycation just for a weekend, but getting out of the house, away from friends, kids, parents, and jobs might help you see if that maybe your marriage isn’t falling apart, instead it is just outside stress that is causing you to fight amongst yourselves.

Couple romancing in a car at countryside

Getting married is a hard decision, staying married is a hard decision, and getting divorced is a hard decision. There is no guarantee that one choice will make you the happiest. In most cases, if a couple decides to get a divorce, they probably have already gone to through

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Small Business and Divorce

 

Splitting assets in a divorce is a complicated and lengthy process. But what about a business? Depending on who owns the business and how much it is worth, even more complicated. All the details of separating a  business cannot be covered in one blog post, but it can cover some general questions that people may have about the future of their business.

Establishing Who Owns It

In a divorce case, in order to split up assets equally, it has to be established what is separate and what is marital. Separate means that it was owned by one person before the marriage and therefore will be retained by that same person, or if it was bought after the couple was married and therefore it needs to be split evenly. If a couple started a business after they were married, then the business interest will belong to both people evenly, and you must go from there. But in more complicated situations, sometimes a business can be started by a spouse ten years prior to getting married, but after the couple is married and they share finances, then whatever money was invested into the business from the personal savings can be given to the other spouse in court.  For instance, let’s say that Mark owns a business ten years before he met Jessica. While married, Mark invests $10,000 of their personal savings into his business and it grows exponentially. Now when they are getting divorced, Jessica is entitled to half $10,000 even if she doesn’t own the business itself.

Retro image of lawyer signing important legal document on black desk. Over black background.

Splitting Up Assets

There is a reason that a lawyer is needed to help with the divorce process. Trying to value and split assets can almost be impossible without financial and legal help. The husband may be a partial owner of a company and then when he gets divorced, the judge might order him to pay out for all their personal assets including half of his worth in the company. Now, what if the husband knew that the company was going to be sold soon and he knew that his shares of the company were going to be much more valuable in the near future. If the divorce goes through before the company sells and the wife didn’t know about it, she might have a reason to sue.

Trying to value what a  company is worth is also a hassle. How much is a desk worth? Or the tables and chairs? How do you account for the fact that it has depreciated over time? Who gets to own the business after the divorce is settled? All these questions can only be answered by a lawyer on a case by case basis with a thorough dive into all the couples finances. These legal proceedings take time and money but it is better for everyone if they are done properly. The truth is there is no short cut to getting a divorce, but getting an experienced lawyer to walk you through the steps and will fight for what is yours will help expedite the process.

Attorney with scale on the table

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How to Tell People You Are Getting Divorced

 

Your relationship with your spouse is a fairly private affair, but once you get a divorce it sometimes feels like all of your dirty laundry is aired in public. Close friends and family should be supportive and understanding, but what about co-workers? Or your children’s friend’s parents? Or even extended family members? Do you owe them an explanation as to why your spouse is no longer attending parties with you? It can be hard to talk about a divorce, especially when it is still painfully recent. Here are some tips that help you break the news to others while still allowing yourself to have boundaries.

Who Should Speak First?

Do you go to friends and family and tell them first? Do you wait until they approach you to avoid starting an awkward conversation? The truth is, people are going to talk no matter what. You can get ahead of the gossip by telling people how you want the discussion to go. It will help your family and friends if they hear it directly from you first, but you are not obligated to go into details right away. There are multiple ways that you can spread the news that doesn’t require you to speak with people face to face. Sending out a text message might be a little too cold, but an email or a letter will allow you to organize your thoughts without having a barrage of questions thrown at you. It will also give people time to craft their own response that is more thoughtful. When it comes to extended friends, family and acquaintances, it is best to have a pre-thought out response. News travels fast, and people you haven’t talked to in a long time are bound to hear about it even if you didn’t want them to.

If you have an automatic response, it will be easier to avoid unwanted advice or questions if you say something to the effect of “X and I are getting a divorce. I appreciate your concern but this is something that is I need to work through and it is very private so I don’t care to go into any more detail right now.” Most people are very understanding but if someone keeps pressing for details you have a right to let them know that they are being rude.

What You Shouldn’t Do

You will probably experience a lot of pain an emotion leading up to the divorce, so you may want to take that out on your ex-spouse. You will regret dragging people into your divorce if you tell them all the details right away. Posting a message on social media for everyone to see can create unwanted attention that you might not have the emotional ability to handle right now. Bashing your ex-spouse in public will create more problems than solutions and it can be used against you in court. If you feel like you have to talk to someone then a therapist, who provides an unbiased opinion, will be a great option for you and they can help guide you through your grief. People mean well when they give you unsolicited advice and want you to talk to them, but they are not trained professionals that are contractually obligated to secrecy.

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There is no right way to talk about a divorce. Both parties will say and do things that they will regret later on, or tell people secrets that they wished they hadn’t. There is no way that you are going to avoid the rumors, but you can stay on top of them. Telling people exactly what details you deem important enough and ignoring all the gossip that surrounds it will help you navigate your divorce until you get to the other side. The truth is, people will care about your divorce for only a short time and then move on with their own lives. The best thing you can do for yourself is to surround yourself with close friends and family and try and move on as well.

family, parenthood and people concept - happy father and little baby boy with book at home

Divorce After Adoption

For most children, divorce will be a confusing and traumatic time. But if they are adopted, it might make the situation even more difficult.  Children might experience attachment issues, anger issues or even lash out in unpredictable ways. The laws surrounding custody of adoption cases are pretty straightforward but the emotional turmoil that is can cause won’t be.  There are many resources out there that can help you and your family get through this trying time, especially for children.

Custody laws for Adoption

If a child is legally adopted by both parents, then in the court of law, they are treated the same way as a biological parent. Both parents will be eligible to get full or partial custody of the children and they will receive visitation rights. If only one parent is the adoptive parent and the other if the biological parent, then it will be much more difficult for an adoptive parent to get full custody unless they can prove that the children are much better off without the biological parent. The best course of action in a divorce is to always have a lawyer mediate, especially with custody battles because they will be the ones to help you get the most rights to see your children.

How to Help Children

Moving forward,  your main concern should be helping your kids cope. There are many ways that you and your ex-spouse can create a working co-parenting system. If you both have your children wellbeing in mind, then you and your spouse will still create a loving home that your children will still feel loved and welcome.

Always reassure the children that it is not their fault. They might be feeling abandoned, and those feelings might be compounded by the fact that they are adopted. Children are much more perceptive than people realize and so talking bad about ex-spouse can create tension that your children don’t want to be in the middle of. Consider getting professional therapy to help your kids deal with the transition of having divorced parents, and to help them cope with their emotions. Sometimes children who are adopted might feel like their mothers did not “want them” so divorce can make them feel like it is their fault. If you and your ex-spouse diligently work with your children to let them know that they are not to blame, it can help them cope with negative emotions. If they are switching houses back and forth, their everyday routine is thrown into chaos and it will add more stress in their lives. Helping them understand their new routine, and trying to keep as much of their old life in a place as possible will help ground them. Try and create new happy memories with your children to let them know that you can still have a happy home even after divorce.

House concepts,Father and daughter  hold hands model home,White house model with red roof.

Black couple fighting and depressed

The Strangest Reasons People Have Gotten Divorced

The Strangest Reasons People Have Gotten Divorced

Divorce is no laughing matter and can be very devasting to a lot of families, but some people’s divorce stories are less heartbreaking and more ridiculous than others. Maybe some people were never meant to get married in the first place because of the reasons they cited for divorce are questionable at best.  These are some of the most ridiculous reasons that people have gotten a divorce.

Makeup or Break Up

An Arab man divorced his bride after he saw for the first time with no makeup after their wedding. He claimed that she lied to him and by using makeup and false eyelashes and after they went swimming and he saw her for the first time without it. They were engaged for six months before they split, and he refused any attempts for them to reconcile. Love isn’t totally blind.

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Losing the Lottery

After 22 years of marriage, a woman filed for divorce out of the blue from her otherwise happy marriage. Two years later it came out that she had won the California lottery and didn’t want to split the proceeds with her husband, so she instantly divorced him instead. A judge later ruled that because she violated the terms of their divorce by not declaring all of her assets, she had to give all of her winnings to ex.

Pillow Talk

A woman in 2012 divorced her husband because he was too talkative. Not only that, but he couldn’t keep any secrets to himself. She claimed that he would tell his family and friends everything that she wanted to keep between them. She later said that he didn’t trust her and that is where many of their issues arose.

Dirty Secrets

A woman in Egypt had to file for divorce after her husband would not shower for over eight weeks. He claimed that a skin condition would not let him shower because he was allergic to water. The skin condition was later confirmed by a doctor but the doctor said that the husband wasn’t allergic to water.  The woman was denied divorce the first time by the courts but then she filed for Khol’a – a law in Islam that allows women to get divorced after giving up some of their financial assets.

Fresh start ahead road sign concept for business opportunity, future and new career

Picking Up The Pieces

Going through a divorce is never easy, even if it is needed. After building a life with someone it can be devastating to tear it down and start over. How do you rebuild your life after a divorce? After the dust has settled and the worst of it is over, your life may look completely different than it did before. Here are some tips that will help you through this difficult time, and will help you move forward in a healthy way.

Let Yourself Grieve

A lot of people turn to destructive behaviors to avoid their feelings of sadness, anger, bitterness, and anxiety. Distracting yourself isn’t going to make those feelings go away,  they will linger until they are dealt with. Sometimes you might not feel sad about losing a spouse, but it is still a loss of a dream and a future together. Accepting your negative feelings is the first step to healing so choose activities that channel those feelings into sometime healthy. Don’t be afraid to go to a counselor to talk about them and have someone guide you through your grief. This is an important step that many people skip and those feelings tend to just fester and weigh them down.

Roller skater rides by sidewalk in city park. Male rollerskater leisure

Learn New Hobbies

It might be time to learn to build those model airplanes that you have been wanting to learn. Or try rollerblading again. Maybe reach out to old friends and take a camping trip. Surround yourself with a great support group and do things that you enjoy will help you feel grounded in a time of upheaval. Making too many changes all at once will stress you out, so the more you establish a routine that you are familiar and comfortable with the better you will be able to adjust to your new life. A divorce is heartbreaking, so you should make a conscious effort to do things that you enjoy.

Learning to Love Again

It is not a good idea to rush into a new relationship right after one just ended. You might not be making the best decisions and can be blinded by emotions so instead of looking to start dating again try and give yourself some time. Maybe start slow, like going to group activities with people instead of one on one. You also might be missing your ex-spouse and trying to convince them that you can make it work again, but those might be misplaced feelings of fear of being alone instead of love. Every person’s situation is unique, so it is hard to say when and where they can start dating again.  Use your best judgment and know your emotional state so that you are making the best decisions for yourself when you deiced to enter the dating scene again. It’s best not to feel rushed or scared when starting this new chapter in your life.

Getting a divorce will bring a lot of changes in your life. It might take years before you feel like your life is back under control but that is ok.  A divorce is an intensely personal thing between two people that will cause pain, anger, grief, and bitterness. Learning to cope with those emotions and creating a new life for yourself can mean that a divorce won’t completely ruin your life, instead, it can be a learning experience that may even have some positive outcomes.